Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Finnley and Fynnick

This is a post I have been meaning to write for a while, but really not for anything but myself. It will certainly be controversial and I don't mean for it to be, but when it comes to the afterlife, no one can agree anyhow. Where do I start?

We began trying for Fynnick shortly after Finnley's death. We were having trouble and it is way more complicated than this sounds, but I finally ended up talking with a friend who is also a medium. She reassured me that not only would we get pregnant, but it would be a boy AND it was Finnley's soul coming back to us. I became very intrigued with this and read a lot about reincarnation, basically everything I could get my hands on. At one point I read somewhere that if a baby is going to reincarnate to its same family, it's within a 6 month time frame typically as the soul will need to journey on. At the 5.5 month mark we were not pregnant and I was so devastated that IF this reincarnation "thing" was a possibility, the window of time was running out. His second vasectomy reversal wasn't planned for a few more days and I had pretty much lost hope. I still wanted another baby regardless though so we stayed the course. He came home to recover only for us to find out I had indeed conceived BEFORE the surgery by some absolute miracle and it was also within that 6 month time frame. I am still unsure how important that time frame actually is, but I found it to be a true miracle.

Speed up a few months and my midwife finally calls with the gender results from our early screening......HE is a boy. She's crying, I'm crying......I let my mind go there, could this be him, FINNLEY? Could my friend have been right? I continue the pregnancy basically talking to him all the time and asking him if he is Finnley's soul to please send us a clear sign, something that would be so obvious.

Delivery day comes and I hear the exact words the minute I meet him as when Finnley was born, my midwife yelling at me not to pull anymore to bring him to my chest because his cord is way too short. These two are the only ones I have ever had short cords with. Of course this may mean nothing. He's out finally and I make myself wait til much later to sneak a glimpse of his entire body ESPECIALLY the back of his neck. Finnley had a birthmark, a stork bite, my only child to ever have one and low and behold I see the EXACT mark on Fynnick's neck. It's dark red and I get chills over my entire body. I dare not to believe this is Finnley sending a blatent sign to me, but in my mind I know this is it.

Fynnick takes Finnley's binky on night one like he'e been reunited with his old friend.  His soul is old and his eyes show it. This boy has been here, I feel it, I think to myself. Time passes and they suck their thumb the same exact way in those early days. They look similar and I trick Nate with side by sides of them. One day I go to google photos to find a pic and I realize that this sophisticated technology has lumped my two sons into one facial recognition category. Every photo of Fynn and Finn are there together. Another sign?

Speaking of more signs, I had worn Finnley's ashes in my necklace since right after he died. Fynnick was obsessed with it and constantly grabbing at it. I had been feeling a pull to stop wearing it as it was combersome, but that felt super disrespectful and dishonoring to Finnley. One evening Fynnick was pulling at it and I looked down and saw some weird powder on him. My heart sunk when I realized that the superglued screw in the necklace had somehow dislodged and Fynnick was covered in Finnley's ashes. At that point I felt like Finnley was telling me, "It's time, you don't need to wear this, I am here." I put it away for safe keeping and felt immense healing.

I have had so many people and our other kids say things nonchalantly about Fynnick being so similar to Finnley or how "It's like he just came back mom." This is all information I have largely kept to myself, but I wanted to document it for later. #soiremember #important #allthefeels #FinnandFynn Regardless of his sweet little soul "matters," he has brought worlds of healing, so much healing. We love him so much and needed him more than he may ever know.

Monday, December 17, 2018

Still Wondering?

Continue to follow the journey of our crazy family guys! Subscribe and tell your friends. It is sure to be a wild year. After Christmas I can give more full details :)

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

November Was Rough

I'm sorry I stopped writing a bit. I just didn't feel led to write. November was a month where my body went back into shock seeing all the videos and pictures of Finnley flooding into my facebook memories and Timehop app. It has no been almost 30 days of this and I have grown a bit more used to seeing them and am having a bit easier time coping with seeing them. I know in less than one month they will all disappear until next November.

Life has been sort of status quo, but not really. We are up to more big changes that I can't say yet. I will post more about those after Christmas. It is really exciting stuff for our family though. We will be ringing in 2019 with a lot of new plans!

Projects around the house are continuing at a pace slower than I wish they were, but honestly Nate is kind of a one man island with these improvements as I am not really skilled in areas of painting, laying flooring and building new kitchens haha. He is working tirelessly and has been for months now on the remodeling. The pics show progress and change, but we are still a ways from done. The main goal is before Fynnick's arrival.

As he has been working through remodeling, I have been working through an intensive minimalizing/decluttering plan in our home. I purchased a label maker and became obsessed with labeling every cabinet, drawer, pantry, closet, kid's rooms, etc. I love to feel the belongings we do have are organized and controlled. I cannot handle stuff controlling us and it has been intensely freeing to purge. I would say I started 6 weeks or so ago and I have dropped several market van's full worth of stuff to goodwill. I have thrown as many huge, black garbage bags out as I have donated. I am not even done. The more I declutter, the more addicted I become and the more stuff I realize we do not need. It is so nice not to be searching amongst "stuff" for what you actually need. I tossed one of the big barbie houses along with a LOT of toys from Madelynn and BryleeAnne's room. I did it during school and apologized when I picked them up. I was worried, but I knew I couldn't do it with them home or we would have kept everything. I was so proud of their reaction and honestly relieved........Madelynn shouted, "Oh thank God, less messes in my room." It was amazing to see that even a 9 year old could feel freed from the chains of "stuff" by tossing and donating it. There were no complaints or sadness when they got home and checked out their now very minimalistic room.

 Work, work, work
Downsized two dressers to one for the girl's socks, underwear, tights, swimsuits and PJ's. 

The bathroom decluttering was intense and really really needed! Who knew such a small space could house so much crap? 

I will admit I have several reasons for minimizing things, but again, I just can't quite say yet! Stay tuned! :)

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Happy First Birthday Finnley

Oh sweet boy how long it has been since I held your perfect little body. Forever since I nuzzled your tiny little head filled with soft brown baby hairs tightly against my nose. I loved to smell you. We should be celebrating your first birthday. It wouldn't have been crazy big because we have never been too hot on those over sized 1st birthdays. It would have likely been something intimate with a few friends and family. You would have been the star though and you would be sitting in your high chair splashing in your very own piece of cake. My heart is so broken. I will forever long for you. I take comfort knowing souls never die as it's against even science to believe energy dies. I know your energy is near. I feel it. You keep me going on days when I am my most broken.

Instead of cake this year with you and your squishy 1 year old baby rolls, I asked friends to take photos of your name written creatively. Keeping your memory alive means so much to me. Friends not forgetting your short, but important little life is helpful in ways they may never know. I know we will be reunited soon sweet boy, but for now your memory has to suffice. Here is the culmination of this amazing project Finnley. Your perfect name. One of my favorite parts about this project has been remembering your cousin Ford alongside you. Your birthdays just 5 days apart, your names both begin with F, your cousins, you have each other. It helps knowing you were never alone on the other side.

I must say these ocean photos were really symbolic of Finnley's life. As beautifully as his name is written in the sand, the ocean's tide would soon wash it away, just like his short life. 

My brother and his wife laid their sweet boy to rest when he was born sleeping on November 8, 2016. It meant a lot to see his name being remembered alongside Finnley's so that is why you see Ford in some of these photos. This post is dedicated to the loving memory of Finnley Oliver Newsom 11/13/17-1/10/18 and Ford Eugene Jankiewicz 11/8/16.

I will leave you with some of my favorite memories 

Thank you from our entire family to each of you for helping us keep Finnley's memory alive. Thank you for taking from your lives to help us create this beautiful keepsake blog post.