Religion or Legalism

Religion, or legalism is the problem. When I step back, rip away all the "good wife, good mother, good this and that books," I actually miss having a relationship with God. I do believe. I don't know what I believe about the Bible at this point and time as I have read so much in reference to it that is annoying or discrediting, but I do know in my heart that God exists. I cannot go a day without praying several times "on accident," lately as I was just over everything and trying to step back from it all. I need to be able to pray and realized that it is so natural to me that its like drinking water during the day. I just feel that God has to be real, up there. I don't know much else at this point as I don't really believe much more than that right now.

 Religion is definately the problem and even the Bible which I certainly don't take 100% literally anymore says "James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." This is merely one example of many I could pull up. Basically what I am getting at is that a relationship with your God, whoever he may be, is what is important and for me......essential to live. Its also being  a good person, not some crazy rules about skirts, having as many children as your body can produce, etc. I cannot believe that a loving God would be in Heaven, angry at me for being bisexual if that is how I was created by Him. I'm definately not trying to sit here and toot my own horn, but I feel I am a generally good person, practicing good deeds as an example to my children and being a charitable, kind and thoughtful type of mother and that is what I feel is important. I don't care about prescribed rules of religion. In fact, I want nothing to do with them, yet I believe in my heart of hearts God must exist because trying to shut Him out for even more than a day is impossible for me. It literally cannot happen. I have kept all this private until now because I really thought for a day there, maybe even 2, that I didn't believe in God at all. While following "Religion," I missed the entire point and made myself miserable too.

Religion is Burning Me Out

How do you even title a post like this I know. In reality though, its exactly how I feel. Trying to shove Bible down the throats of bored children who close their ears and goof off to any Bible curriculum I ever try is old. The church we have been attending for 8 months now has grown frustrating. My kids still have not adapted so I am getting awkward feelings towards the children's ministry not knowing WHY my kids 6 and under all cry still 8 months later, EACH and every Sunday. No, we didn't go Sunday this week because I quite honestly couldn't bare another week alone with 7 children dropping them all off crying(many times I pick them up still crying). If your wondering why I go alone its because Nate works weekends right now.

 I have gotten diligent this year and really wanted to work through the entire Bible which I have done and digging in deep has left me feeling kinda.....hmmm skeptical of the Bible. Oh man that sounds rotten out loud, but this blog is about the nitty gritty of my life.....for happy, better, worse, good, bad, ugly, truthful feelings. It is what it is and I won't make excuses any longer for myself so if your reading and your uncomfortable, click off my page! I'm just being honest. Some of the things in the Bible are soooo disturbing or just feel plain untruthful like the killing of all the baby boys by king Herod, sending Moses down the river in a basket, Abraham making a covenant directly with God???Do I really believe people ever talked directly with God? NO, that's why I left the Mormon church, the whole Joseph Smith spoke with God was too much for my brain to get past. God punishing people in various ways in OT times(never thought of God that way before) and so on. I read and loved the NT 7 years ago and have always referred back to it, however, having gotten up close and personal with the OT this past year I feel all my skepticism creeping back in. I enjoy all the mushy Bible study books and other self help Christian books as they confirm my beliefs about being a stay at home mom and raising a large family and its importance. Those books confirm that I should be an excellent wife and mother and stay in the home if possible creating nourishing meals, cleanliness and order in my home via being a good home manager. I believe all those things with EVERY part of my being! But that is where I think I got confused. I don't need a Bible to confirm that decision. My husband and I know it to be right for our family so its right. Period. I think that is why they appealed to me always though and then they throw in that God wants me to do it so I would think, "Oh, even better." But really, when I get into my Bible and read and read, I feel so turned off or skeptical by such large portions. I admit many portions make me feel warm and gooey too. I just can't get past feeling like a fraud some days reading some of these things to my kids. We read the story of Abraham and Sarah yesterday and it just was sort of a pointless phony sounding story and all the kids looked at me like I was nuts when I finished. It makes me feel even weirder when my small kids act weirded out or skeptical by many stories we read as well. This has been happening for years every time I add Bible back into our homeschooling.

 I am on a break from Bible, Christian books and all of it to sort out where I stand and how I feel. I think we are all wired to believe in something bigger and I do. Nate does too, though he has NEVER believed in the Bible. With that said, he was never opposed to my reading it to the kids or even being a Bible thumper if its what I believed. He has supported the kids and I by attending the LDS church and other churchs with us each week. His tolerance is true love! How much of word for word Bible do I reallllllly realllllllly believe though, I don't know at this point.

 I am also still bothered by so many prayers going unanswered or being answered in such a negative way. I am sad for world hunger, war, and so many other things a loving "parent" wouldn't allow. Isn't that an oxymoron to say God allows these things and is the most loving Father of all, yet us parents would lose our children to CPS if we allowed war or hunger within our own homes? Confused? I know I am. If you made it this far, I won't apologize for offending you, but thank you for reading my babbling thoughts on my journey of religions/spirituality over the years.

At this point in time my efforts will be going into homeschooling the best I can, making wonderful snuggly memories with my kids year round, getting out on dates with my hubby more often, riding my horse, weaning(yes I'm rotten and weaning down Jaxxon(10mo) to only a few X a day) so I can get out more, and doing what I feel is morally right or wrong for ME. The long skirts I enjoy some days, but that's when weather permits. I posted pics in them hoping to be the good little Christian woman that could encourage others on their journey and I don't regret it. I did what I felt was right at the time. However, my feelings are ebbing and flowing with life, learning, searching and reading.When its 100 out those skirts are atrocious and to call them anything else would be dead wrong. Modesty in soCal mid summer is a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. So here I go to center. Balance. Getting away from extreme religion, dress, homemaking, homeschooling, etc. I am learning each day I live more and more how I enjoy living and what works best for my family.

I am excited to be coming to the realization that I don't need the Bible or Christian books to tell me that its good or valuable to stay at home and homeschool my kids or to find worth in scrubbing toilets and wiping butts. I just know it to be true in my heart. Its valuable and I am proud to do it.....not because God or the Bible say I should. Its nice not to feel pressured to be religious anymore just because I homeschool. I don't have to throw my kids into school because I don't want to drag myself to the torture chamber church each week. My older kids might ask to go to church again in a year or two because that is what roped me in after our last big, long few years break and ya know what....this time I will tell them to go with a friend if they need to. I won't deny them, but I won't go each week with them either. Its too brainwashing skirting around many things that really exist in the Bible that I will never be able to believe or agree with. I don't want to go back down that road again! 

Alrighty, off to clean and homeschool for the value of doing it because it needs done and its important........not for the "glory of God" or "good works." Amen to that!!