Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Sliding into Week 9 with our Little Grape!

As the title would suggest, baby is now 9 weeks today and approximately 1 inch long, about the size of a grape. It is becoming easier and easier to find it's little heart beat on the doppler now that he/she has grown to a larger size. I am still battling exhaustion and nausea, but knock on wood, I haven't once thrown up. I am much better off than I was during the first trimester with Finnley. I threw up until I lost 16 lbs with him. I am holding steady this time. This makes me think it may be a girl. The boys have always had a tendency to make me extremely sick. Their hormones are poison to my body lol! 
What our little gummy bear looks like at 9 weeks

We got to see our little sweet gummy bear again this week when we met our new midwife. She is something so special. She knows our story and the compassion is so apparent. I feel like we are in the best hands possible at this time with her and can't remember a pregnancy where I loved my provider after just one visit. We are very excited for her to be part of this journey with our pregnancy and delivery. 

2 months. At 34 having 2 back to back pregnancies I am seeing the affects. My tummy didn't quite deflate fully and maybe I am bloated?? I guess this is our 10th baby so I should just thank my lucky stars, but this was hard to even post. 

At 8W2D heart rate was in the 150's and baby looked perfect! 

Flower Sisters(and brother) selling bouquets at CSA pick up

This crazy girl is nearly done with CNA school! 

Week 9 CSA share
Our sweet boy turned 9 months old in Heaven yesterday. My God how I miss him every day. It suffocates me with sadness to see pictures and videos of him. It feels so real like I can just reach into the video and kiss and touch him, but I know I can't. It hurts like the most raw and pure form of hell that a person could every experience in this life. 

This summer hasn't afforded much of any opportunities, as far as time is concerned, to enjoy many recreational activities. When we do get a rare afternoon off work, we love to head to the creek, bring popsicles and chips and swim until the sun is heading down. Even those fun excursions can sometimes be tainted by a trigger. We went this week and a woman took her tiny baby boy and stuffed him into an oversized life vest and left him to float on his back in the water while he screamed. The water is cold. I will rarely fully submerge myself. I was shocked and horrified watching this mother as she laughed. I just couldn't even. There were no words and thankfully I managed to keep my mouth shut. My kids, however, looked on at her horrified by what they were witnessing as well. I felt vindicated when I saw them taking notice of this lady. I wasn't insane. It triggered them too. Most days we get through with plenty of hugs and smiles and can even talk about Finnley in a happy light, but some days these triggers bring about huge emotions in all of us. I tried to just move on and focus on my kids with their popsicle stained lips and big grins. It was best for everyone and I know not all people parent the same so I knew my place wasn't to say anything. I feel like if anything good will come of this, it is the compassion and love my kids will carry forward for their own babies. I feel like they will be amazing parents one day and better than they would be if not for what we have gone through. I know they won't take a moment with their own children for granted after losing their baby brother. Finnley had so many purposes here in his short life and I see them each and every day. It's important to find and take notice of those blessings in order to find something positive in such a horrific tragedy. 

We continue to brain storm how we will achieve a work life balance next season. Nate and I working 80 hours each a week is NOT balance. Luckily our kids do work alongside us often so we are getting one on one time and even "family" time this way, but it is less than ideal. Our kids are pretty good sports about helping, but their excitement for school to start again tells me they are probably fed up with working too. We have tossed around the idea of employees running the farm under a farm manager, not farming at all next year and all the ideas in between. Having a baby in March means I will be completely out as far as helping much at all during one of the critical times of the season......spring plantings. This will be an evolving process through the fall and winter when we MUST buckle down plans. I am unsure of what to think about it really. In all honesty, I wouldn't mind a season off and just growing for ourselves, canning and enjoying homesteading. On the other hand, I identify so closely with my job that I don't know what I am without it. I love what I do, but need balance. Open to ideas! 

Monday, August 6, 2018

Week 7 is a Wrap

Looking back at this week's pictures, I realized I am really not taking enough. I am especially lacking in the ones that count the most, my rapidly growing kiddos. I am making it this week's goal to do better. 

Week 7 brought no more morning sickness which is shocking. I am still slightly nauseated here and there, but for the most part, I am still feeling way too well. Despite my fears and concerns, we had a surprise early ultrasound Wednesday because of some pretty bad pain on my left side. There was some worry about an ectopic and thankfully that was not the case. I do, however, have a large corpus luteum cyst on that side which is likely the cause of the pain. Anyhow, baby looked so perfect and we cried at the sight of it's little heart fluttering. What a relief. Here it is in all it's 6W6D glory! Heart rate was 118 and CRL .8cm

I then found it's little heart beat at home at 7W3D on my doppler. 134bpm 
I hate to sound insane, but based on Ramzi theory which was correct with all my other kids......this one would be I think a girl. Time will tell. Was Ramzi correct for you? Studies show it is correct 97.5% of the time. Here is a link. https://www.thegenderexperts.com/ramzi-theory/ Dig up your old 6-8 week ultrasounds and let me know. I sent mine to the experts today and I will update for sure when I get results later. They said boy, but they guessed the placenta to be in the bottom left side of the photo, midwife confirmed its in the upper right which would be girl! Time will tell. 

This fun little treasure showed up this week to leave me a blubbering and teary eyed mess. Turns out it was my brother and sister in law who sent it. They too, have experienced the tragedy of infant loss. Theirs was a stillbirth. They lost my nephew Ford just 14 months before we lost Finnley. We talk about them having each other on the other side. I pray they do. Either way, we decided this sweet little onesie will be worn by this sweetie in March for it's going home outfit. I will add a bow or beanie depending on the sex of baby.  :)

 Funny and strange, but our CSA weeks correspond with our pregnancy weeks. So week 7 of our CSA is also a wrap. Here is the beautifully abundant share from this week's bounty. The joys of mid summer when food is fresh and abundant. 

 Here is a quick, adorable shot I got of "Grandma" Sandi helping Millie mother the puppies. It takes a village and these dogs understand it! Puppies turn 2 weeks Wednesday. Taking deposits here http://www.bearbranchfarms.com/great-pyrenees-puppies 

In other thoughts for the week, I am continuing to struggle with time running, the feeling of barely meeting all of life's requirements at minimal standard and at the last second. I am unsure whether this is hormones, depression or long term effects of grief. I question everything, but I take no action for change. I am sort of stuck in this bizarre autopilot that I spoke of last week......I literally don't even have the energy to give up or change anything currently. I need to, I want to, but I can't. I am a prisoner to my own, I don't know, I am just trapped in this state of now. I keep hoping time will help this feeling, but it is most certainly not.  I am counting down to the season's ending of markets and to quieter times when kids return to school so that I may be able to figure myself out. I am allowing myself to be stuck this way for now while life is running at such a rapid pace. I am embracing the idea of fall and with it, quieter and simpler days, but at the same time I am not ready to let go of the long warm summer days that I find polar opposite the day Finnley passed. I am almost terrified to feel  the cold, dark days of winter again. Today is long and warm and sunny. I will continue in the now on autopilot until something gives. Maybe I will look for a self help book that I won't have time to read. If you have suggestions, I am all ears. 

Monday, July 30, 2018

Rounding Out Week 6

Today is rounding out week 6 of pregnancy. I turn 7 weeks tomorrow. Morning sickness isn't intolerable yet, but it is there lingering and attacking especially if I eat something greasy, acidic or spicy. This stage is always a bit cumbersome for me. It is the balance of not feeling too great, not knowing whether there is even a human in your uterus and waiting. The wait for our first appointment is starting to feel brutally long even though it flew up to this point. We go August 9th, next Thursday to meet our midwife and get an ultrasound. For now I just keep my nose to grindstone and work hard on the farm to pass the time.

A lot has happened this week. Last Monday evening, the sheriff deputies came by to let us know Maple and Musket were on his property hurting and killing sheep. He shot and killed Maple and shot at Musket, but thought he missed. The week drug on and I cried over our losses. As days passed, I lost hope that Musket would return. I prayed he ran the wrong direction when shot at and was just lost. I called the Humane Society and spread the word via facebook groups, emails and other apps to get anyone's attention as to his whereabouts. Yesterday morning, 6 days after he first disappeared, I woke up to the sound of a mail truck. A USPS truck on my front porch on a Sunday morning with Musket standing there to greet the mail lady??? Clearing I was dreaming still right? I rubbed the sleepies out of my eyes and blinked a few times and when I opened the door, there he was in my arms, in the flesh. I couldn't believe it. I am still perplexed by the Sunday mail truck, but that is a whole different story. He lived through 6 days on the hot summer back country in Oregon completely alone. I have him home safe.....a happy ending.

Speaking of happy, Millie had her litter of pups on Wednesday, 2 days after we lost Maple and Musket so it helped distract us all for a time during the week. She had 4 girls, 3 boys, but we lost a female yesterday to what we believe was fading puppy syndrome. It happened very fast. She passed within 5 hours of the onset of symptoms. Millie has been a phenomenal mother though. She hasn't smashed or hurt any pups, which is rare for this breed due to their enormous size. She is exceptionally big and this was her first litter so I braced for the worst. What a pleasant surprise it has been. She is tender and gentle and the picture of motherhood in all his beauty.

Right as Millie decided to give birth, Nate and I were supposed to be leaving for a much needed 24 hours off the farm in a tiny cabin in Silverton and lots of other fun little plans. Tanner responsibly stepped up and offered to stay next to the pups all night so we could continue on our plans. It was so nice to escape and enjoy good food(while it still tasted semi-good), laughter and rest. The tiny cabin we stayed in gave way to inspiration for our own tiny cabin and our date turned to some thrift shopping to start getting our own tiny cabin finished and placed on AirBnB.

On top of all the other happenings this week, Grandpa was in town which is how we were able to escape on our 24 hour adventure off the farm! Thank you Grandpa! While he was here we were able to also take him down to the creek where we enjoy many hot summer evenings after a long day in the fields.




Lastly, the farm.......it has been incredibly hot and overwhelming. I won't deny that I feel I overtasked myself this season. I changed my smaller plans, directly after we lost Finnley, to very large plans. At the time I felt I would need full emersion in my work. I was somewhat correct, but finding myself at a different phase of grief and life, I am wearing down. Grief has a funny was of streamlining you and putting you onto a very busy auto-pilot mode. A mode where days, weeks and months just keep passing and I am almost like a passerby watching my life unfold more rapidly than my brain can keep up with. I sort of like it that way because it helps fill up time I might be crying. Although, the evenings have their ways. It still creeps in. There are still triggers. I am still sad at pregnancy announcements oddly, even though I am pregnant. Maybe that is because I know now that there REALLY are no guarantees. I think this will resolve itself as I reach later milestones in pregnancy and things feel more real. Simply seeing a heartbeat right now would be so helpful and reassuring. I still think about Finnley throughout every day. Sometimes I can think of happy moments without being sad, but not typically. It is still too raw, August 10 will be 7 months since I said goodbye to my sweet boy. I am unsure where so much time went. I am unsure about future time. I try not to overwhelm myself with so many racing thoughts about this new little person, like whether it will be a boy or girl and will I be okay if it IS a boy, will I be okay if it ISN'T a boy? There are so many things that pop into my head. I push them away and try to let processing happen in tiny, digestible pieces or I think my head will explode. For today, I will bury myself back into farm work, puppy cuddling and parenting our other 8 kiddos. 
Our week 6 CSA share

Monday, July 23, 2018

Sweet Dreams

The morning I found out I was pregnant with this baby, I had been dreaming from about 5am, after Nate kissed me goodbye for work, until 8 when I woke up. This dream was so special. Finnley was here, approx 8 months old(exactly as he should be) and full of life. I was feeding him baby food, playing with him, I couldn't stop holding him and smelling his perfect baby hair. It was so real. There was so much joy. I am actually crying with a huge lump in my throat as I look back at this dream. I never wanted to wake up. When I did finally wake up, I cried. I texted Nate telling him what happened while laying in my bed bawling and wishing things were not as they are. I had forgotten I was 10 dpo and could test.

The day before I had market and honestly, after 6 months trying, you tend to just give up so I didn't have time nor bother that morning to check. Besides, Nate just went Washington for a redo reversal with one of the world's best reversal doctors. Surely we didn't get pregnant BEFORE surgery on our last try. Sunday though, after that dream and pulling myself together, I went downstairs and tested. The line was terribly faint and it was a cheap test so I didn't allow myself to believe it or get excited. I took off and ran errands with the younger kids all morning. When I finally got back home around lunch, I took several more tests and found them all to be positive. I cried, I had chills, I knew at that moment that Finnley sent me that dream on that precise morning as a message that we would experience that joy again. We beat the odds, pregnant from the day before he had surgery!!!

I have had only two other pleasant dreams with him and I hold those so dear to me. The others have all been nightmares about the night we found him not breathing. The very first night after he passed, he told me clearly that he was sending a sister and we would name her Fernn Olivia. What is somewhat crazy is Kenna came to us the morning after we found out we were expecting this time and told us she had a dream I was pregnant and it was a girl. She had NO idea I was pregnant and wouldn't know for another 10 days. We really feel like Finn sent us his promise. We have absolutely no hang ups about this being a girl or boy, we just pray for a healthy baby. Morning sickness is starting mildly off and on. I am 6 weeks tomorrow and hoping somehow I will be lucky enough to skip out on really bad sickness, but that isn't my normal. Either way, I try to just count each feeling of nausea as a blessing. I try to practice gratitude for my exhaustion because I know the reason I feel this way is going to bring so much needed joy to us all.

Finnley Oliver Newsom 11/13/17-1/10/18 Our beautiful angel baby who sent us this gift. He was the most precious, perfect baby. I miss him terribly each and every day. 

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Starting Anew

I am back and I have intentions to fill in some details over the past year in the next few posts, but for today.

I want to come back and start out with our happy news.  πŸ’• Our hearts are overjoyed to announce our sweet rainbow πŸŒˆ πŸ‘ΆπŸ» is due in March. Please pray, send good vibes or whatever you have. We would have waited longer to announce, but morning sickness has its way of not so cutely announcing it for us. And besides, we could use all the positive vibes and prayers everyone has. We have been through a lot losing Finnley in January.......This little babe is already so loved, our hearts are just bursting with joy and love and anticipation. 

This little babe is so very special to our family already.
Image may contain: dessert and food
You can see the video of us announcing it to the kids up above. 

Thursday, August 24, 2017

24 weeks-6 months

Baby Finn is now viable if born, yay! 6 months and how fitting that he is the length of sweet corn being we have been harvesting loads of it🌽 😊. So far, so good still. I continue to feel great with almost no heart burn(a real record for me at this stage of the pregnancy). My only complaint currently is sciatica. I'm pretty achy in the tailbone, but I am still working out hard and farming regardless. The show must go on! Blood sugar creeped up on me over the past few weeks so I am at a nearly full paleo diet again. This is pretty standard for me during pregnancy so I wasn't surprised. As long as I'm eating right, I feel fabulous. Here's to another month in the making, may I be blessed with another 4 weeks no heartburn! Haha #itsthelittlethings #6monthswithbabyFinnley #hestillneedsamiddlename #24weeks


Rounding out our second full week of homeschool tomorrow for the year and it is going really smooth. We had a couple of curriculum kinks to work out, but all in all it has been a great start to the school year. The Timberdoodle curriculum is awesome! I cannot speak highly enough about Math U See for the little ones and Teaching Textbooks for the older ones. GREAT math curriculum this year. We are very happy!

Epic Eclipse Harvest

We are lucky enough to live directly in the path of totality for the August 2017 eclipse. We weren't overly hyped about this event as we had no idea just how COOL it would turn out to be. We went out to harvest as we would any other Monday, although we were equipped with our eclipse glasses, and boom the harvest turned epic. We started feeding off the energy of our campers all standing in our fields with telescopes and whatnot, ready to enjoy and slowly we watched the moon passing over the sun. Before it was over with, the corn harvest was at a stand still as we stood in awe. It grew dark and cold. We actually watched daisies closing around us. It was a supernatural experience, one for the records. I am so glad I got to experience it with my family. It will be a harvest to remember.