Sweet Dreams

The morning I found out I was pregnant with this baby, I had been dreaming from about 5am, after Nate kissed me goodbye for work, until 8 when I woke up. This dream was so special. Finnley was here, approx 8 months old(exactly as he should be) and full of life. I was feeding him baby food, playing with him, I couldn't stop holding him and smelling his perfect baby hair. It was so real. There was so much joy. I am actually crying with a huge lump in my throat as I look back at this dream. I never wanted to wake up. When I did finally wake up, I cried. I texted Nate telling him what happened while laying in my bed bawling and wishing things were not as they are. I had forgotten I was 10 dpo and could test.

The day before I had market and honestly, after 6 months trying, you tend to just give up so I didn't have time nor bother that morning to check. Besides, Nate just went Washington for a redo reversal with one of the world's best reversal doctors. Surely we didn't get pregnant BEFORE surgery on our last try. Sunday though, after that dream and pulling myself together, I went downstairs and tested. The line was terribly faint and it was a cheap test so I didn't allow myself to believe it or get excited. I took off and ran errands with the younger kids all morning. When I finally got back home around lunch, I took several more tests and found them all to be positive. I cried, I had chills, I knew at that moment that Finnley sent me that dream on that precise morning as a message that we would experience that joy again. We beat the odds, pregnant from the day before he had surgery!!!

I have had only two other pleasant dreams with him and I hold those so dear to me. The others have all been nightmares about the night we found him not breathing. The very first night after he passed, he told me clearly that he was sending a sister and we would name her Fernn Olivia. What is somewhat crazy is Kenna came to us the morning after we found out we were expecting this time and told us she had a dream I was pregnant and it was a girl. She had NO idea I was pregnant and wouldn't know for another 10 days. We really feel like Finn sent us his promise. We have absolutely no hang ups about this being a girl or boy, we just pray for a healthy baby. Morning sickness is starting mildly off and on. I am 6 weeks tomorrow and hoping somehow I will be lucky enough to skip out on really bad sickness, but that isn't my normal. Either way, I try to just count each feeling of nausea as a blessing. I try to practice gratitude for my exhaustion because I know the reason I feel this way is going to bring so much needed joy to us all.

Finnley Oliver Newsom 11/13/17-1/10/18 Our beautiful angel baby who sent us this gift. He was the most precious, perfect baby. I miss him terribly each and every day.