I wasn't sure what to write these past few weeks as I once again fell into grief headlong and found myself drowning with nothing notable to say. It is like you literally can't put into words what it feels like, but I assure you it is the worst. Making matters harder, Kayla decided to leave. She's sort of half moved out. It is heartbreaking. It's the holidays, Finnley's birthday is approaching next Tuesday, Kayla is gone, Wyatt was suspended again. It has been rough. I have cried enough tears for a big man to go swimming in. Parenting is hard. Life is hard. All this hits me during a month when we should be expressing gratitude which only added to my guilt. I have struggled to find anything I am grateful for some days. It is a continual mindset and I remind myself that I am in control of my emotions and that I must stop allowing myself to be sad. I think when so many things compound it becomes all the more emotionally destructive. Like, I am only strong enough to carry myself through so much before I do fall apart and collapse. I made my mind up two days ago to try to pull myself back out of the darkness. I have been using all strength I have in me to smile, wear some make up and dress in something more than lounge clothes. I'm trying to actually count my blessings in very small things because right now those feel like the only ones I can even see. It is amazing how preparing myself properly for the day actually helps. Cleaning soothes me as well. I believe I find solace in cleaning because it is something I can control. This has been a continued comfort since Finnley's death. When I am stressed, sad, angry, hurt, or battling anxiety attacks I clean. I clean, I throw away, I organize, I declutter spaces. Sometimes I do it in circles and no one probably notices I wiped the cabinets down 5X in a day. Focusing on those little dirty handprints and marks helps ease my mind of the burdens of thinking about larger matters that plague me.
I had a really good day yesterday until I didn't. The evening hit and I got an email that really threw me for a good one. I was so upset I struggled to sleep last night. I woke up today though and I am focusing on decluttering all the books in my house while I contemplate my attitude, in the end it is all I can control. I will move through most of these things and life will carry on and it is ME who decides whether I will chose to look at the bright side of today or tomorrow or next week when we awkwardly try to figure out how to acknowledge the birth of Finnley. He brought so much joy and was such a sweet soul, but I would be lying if I tell you I am even remotely looking forward to celebrating his birthday without him. I am only so sad because I loved him so deeply and I would never take back getting to be his mommy even for the short time it was. I have come to realize that I will have to literally fight myself some days to find happiness and somedays I will just be too tired to fight it and I won't. I hope these next 2 months pass by quickly as I can only imagine the destruction time hop or facebook memories may bring emotionally. It is weird though. I could obviously just not look, don't open the apps, but then I would miss the beautiful memories too. I don't know the correct answer when it comes to this perplexing situation. I guess I will take it day by day.
I am off to continue with decluttering books.
Today I will work on gratitude, de-stressing myself, accomplishing goals and marking tasks on my to do list because these are the things that help.
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