Week 11 Comin' in Hot

Tomorrow is 11 weeks. Time is flying by and soon I will hopefully be sporting another little baby bump. I am thicker in the mid section, but no one would dare ask if I was pregnant yet. I am ready for a bump though. I am ready to feel baby kicks and slowly dare to dream the dream of holding another sweet little smooshy bean in our arms. Thank God I am here in this place at this moment. We need this little baby in our family. This is such a gift, I cry when I think about it. Sometimes I allow myself to imagine march, my big belly, the delivery and the moment when we embrace this little one in our arms. It literally knocks the wind from my chest in the best way possible, but then I stop myself. The doubt and the what ifs caused by life experiences jade my mind and I tell myself to quit it. For today, we have a heartbeat and what looks to be a healthy baby steadily growing so I try to remain hopeful for the future.

Speaking of hope, the fall weather has put fresh wind in my sails. It may also be the inching closer to the second trimester that has me feeling some of the fog lifting. Seeing rain soak the fields instead of us chasing irrigation is a HUGE bonus on our work load. Final fall plantings will be happening over the next several weeks inside the hoop houses and winter CSA will begin 10/13. Our final CSA for summer is October 6. I can see it on the horizon. There is an end in sight and it feels more within reach. Kids begin school next week and the following as well so that will be another work load that lessons up for me. I love my kids dearly, but they are bored and the messes are insane. I am ready to have my house clean 6 hours a day 5 days a week. I am ready for routines that come right behind the crisp mornings. I am so ready for it all. Good things all within reach. The long days of August are almost over and the fun days of Sept harvests in cooler temps are starting. Best time of year ever!

To add to the good vibes this week, our AirBnB cabins are just full to the brim. The tiny cabin has yet to be empty one night since I put it on AirBnB!!! What a huge success that has been for us.

I am also taking a little me time and working on projects with some new found time now that I am not in the fields every waking moment. It feels amazing to do something I want to do this week instead of everything I HAVE to do. I may even find the time to begin reading again. It's all the little things.

Ridiculously cute kids, oh and fur balls too ;) 

Tomorrow Brings in Week 10 for Pregnancy and CSA Harvest and it Ain't Rainbows and Butterflies

I am literally going to use this as a safe, real place to let feelings out today. No fancy fun stuff, just raw and real. Social media is a platform where we post all things pretty about our perfect lives. It startled me the other day when I told my mom that I am having a hard time and she responded, "But your life looks so picturesque and perfect. I thought everything was great." Yea, that. It's real, but it is not the whole picture, it is the good things because it's not healthy to focus on the bad, but sometimes I just have to because they are there and in my face, hard to miss. I think it is tacky to continually air dirty laundry, but here goes.......it gets literal lol!

The struggle I currently face with exhaustion is a real one. I am not sure if it is just hormones and I pray it is, but I don't know how much reserve I have left. I know I am always digging deep in August on the farm, but this year might be the hardest August yet. The weeding, seeding, planting, harvesting, markets, lifting heavy bins, selling......its a never ending circle. My body aches everywhere most days. I physically hurt, but mental burn out is also pungent. The repetition of so much harvesting can just waste your body and mind. Add that to caring for a large family, home messes that don't stop and disorganization that is making me lose my ever loving mind. I just can't.do.it.all. The kids need school and routines. My house needs gutted, repainted, repaired, new furniture and clean clothes hung properly in closets. My kid's bedding needs washed. Mom fail: None of their bedding has been washed since school let out for summer. YES folks it's that bad. Here I am airing that dirty laundry and my dirty kitchen.

 My kitchen was found to have a slow leaking pipe this week where it collapsed the under side of a cabinet and base of our house. Mold abounds. The lists abound and time is short. Short, wrong, it doesn't even exist. The farm eats every last drop. EVERYTHING needs maintenance. Tis' the season and mama is coming for it all once school goes back in and we drop harvests to once a week. Summer CSA ends October 6th, which means I can dig deep and shred my house. It is like being a prisoner knowing everything that needs done and literally just not having the ability to get to it. I know I could not be blogging and putting my kid's dirty bedding in right now, but actually I can't. The AirBnB's are so busy, they clog our washer and dryer constantly with all the linens getting cleaned. I can't complain, AirBnB has been a wonderful addition to the farm, requiring much less physically and mentally of me, although it is another piece pulling me in another direction. For today, I will just slug through the to do list, tomorrow will be harvest like every other Tuesday for way too many months past. Wednesday is CSA pick up day, Thursday catch up on weeding, planting and advertising. Friday is harvest, Saturday is market, Sunday I catch up on books, maybe a couple loads of laundry so we have clean underwear and irrigation that doesn't quit. There is a very distant end in sight. It's just so far. This card I received from a friend this week was precisely what I needed. She's pretty amazing like that so for now.........I will just keep swimming. I have no choice.

You know who you are and all these little cards I have saved. They come in the right timing somehow with just the right words. You are a gift to me. Thank you. 

Sliding into Week 9 with our Little Grape!

As the title would suggest, baby is now 9 weeks today and approximately 1 inch long, about the size of a grape. It is becoming easier and easier to find it's little heart beat on the doppler now that he/she has grown to a larger size. I am still battling exhaustion and nausea, but knock on wood, I haven't once thrown up. I am much better off than I was during the first trimester with Finnley. I threw up until I lost 16 lbs with him. I am holding steady this time. This makes me think it may be a girl. The boys have always had a tendency to make me extremely sick. Their hormones are poison to my body lol! 

What our little gummy bear looks like at 9 weeks

We got to see our little sweet gummy bear again this week when we met our new midwife. She is something so special. She knows our story and the compassion is so apparent. I feel like we are in the best hands possible at this time with her and can't remember a pregnancy where I loved my provider after just one visit. We are very excited for her to be part of this journey with our pregnancy and delivery. 

2 months. At 34 having 2 back to back pregnancies I am seeing the affects. My tummy didn't quite deflate fully and maybe I am bloated?? I guess this is our 10th baby so I should just thank my lucky stars, but this was hard to even post. 

At 8W2D heart rate was in the 150's and baby looked perfect! 

Flower Sisters(and brother) selling bouquets at CSA pick up

This crazy girl is nearly done with CNA school! 

Week 9 CSA share

Our sweet boy turned 9 months old in Heaven yesterday. My God how I miss him every day. It suffocates me with sadness to see pictures and videos of him. It feels so real like I can just reach into the video and kiss and touch him, but I know I can't. It hurts like the most raw and pure form of hell that a person could every experience in this life. 

This summer hasn't afforded much of any opportunities, as far as time is concerned, to enjoy many recreational activities. When we do get a rare afternoon off work, we love to head to the creek, bring popsicles and chips and swim until the sun is heading down. Even those fun excursions can sometimes be tainted by a trigger. We went this week and a woman took her tiny baby boy and stuffed him into an oversized life vest and left him to float on his back in the water while he screamed. The water is cold. I will rarely fully submerge myself. I was shocked and horrified watching this mother as she laughed. I just couldn't even. There were no words and thankfully I managed to keep my mouth shut. My kids, however, looked on at her horrified by what they were witnessing as well. I felt vindicated when I saw them taking notice of this lady. I wasn't insane. It triggered them too. Most days we get through with plenty of hugs and smiles and can even talk about Finnley in a happy light, but some days these triggers bring about huge emotions in all of us. I tried to just move on and focus on my kids with their popsicle stained lips and big grins. It was best for everyone and I know not all people parent the same so I knew my place wasn't to say anything. I feel like if anything good will come of this, it is the compassion and love my kids will carry forward for their own babies. I feel like they will be amazing parents one day and better than they would be if not for what we have gone through. I know they won't take a moment with their own children for granted after losing their baby brother. Finnley had so many purposes here in his short life and I see them each and every day. It's important to find and take notice of those blessings in order to find something positive in such a horrific tragedy. 

We continue to brain storm how we will achieve a work life balance next season. Nate and I working 80 hours each a week is NOT balance. Luckily our kids do work alongside us often so we are getting one on one time and even "family" time this way, but it is less than ideal. Our kids are pretty good sports about helping, but their excitement for school to start again tells me they are probably fed up with working too. We have tossed around the idea of employees running the farm under a farm manager, not farming at all next year and all the ideas in between. Having a baby in March means I will be completely out as far as helping much at all during one of the critical times of the season......spring plantings. This will be an evolving process through the fall and winter when we MUST buckle down plans. I am unsure of what to think about it really. In all honesty, I wouldn't mind a season off and just growing for ourselves, canning and enjoying homesteading. On the other hand, I identify so closely with my job that I don't know what I am without it. I love what I do, but need balance. Open to ideas! 

Week 7 is a Wrap

Looking back at this week's pictures, I realized I am really not taking enough. I am especially lacking in the ones that count the most, my rapidly growing kiddos. I am making it this week's goal to do better. 

Week 7 brought no more morning sickness which is shocking. I am still slightly nauseated here and there, but for the most part, I am still feeling way too well. Despite my fears and concerns, we had a surprise early ultrasound Wednesday because of some pretty bad pain on my left side. There was some worry about an ectopic and thankfully that was not the case. I do, however, have a large corpus luteum cyst on that side which is likely the cause of the pain. Anyhow, baby looked so perfect and we cried at the sight of it's little heart fluttering. What a relief. Here it is in all it's 6W6D glory! Heart rate was 118 and CRL .8cm

I then found it's little heart beat at home at 7W3D on my doppler. 134bpm 

I hate to sound insane, but based on Ramzi theory which was correct with all my other kids......this one would be I think a girl. Time will tell. Was Ramzi correct for you? Studies show it is correct 97.5% of the time. Here is a link. https://www.thegenderexperts.com/ramzi-theory/ Dig up your old 6-8 week ultrasounds and let me know. I sent mine to the experts today and I will update for sure when I get results later. They said boy, but they guessed the placenta to be in the bottom left side of the photo, midwife confirmed its in the upper right which would be girl! Time will tell. 

This fun little treasure showed up this week to leave me a blubbering and teary eyed mess. Turns out it was my brother and sister in law who sent it. They too, have experienced the tragedy of infant loss. Theirs was a stillbirth. They lost my nephew Ford just 14 months before we lost Finnley. We talk about them having each other on the other side. I pray they do. Either way, we decided this sweet little onesie will be worn by this sweetie in March for it's going home outfit. I will add a bow or beanie depending on the sex of baby.  :)

 Funny and strange, but our CSA weeks correspond with our pregnancy weeks. So week 7 of our CSA is also a wrap. Here is the beautifully abundant share from this week's bounty. The joys of mid summer when food is fresh and abundant. 

 Here is a quick, adorable shot I got of "Grandma" Sandi helping Millie mother the puppies. It takes a village and these dogs understand it! Puppies turn 2 weeks Wednesday. Taking deposits here http://www.bearbranchfarms.com/great-pyrenees-puppies 

In other thoughts for the week, I am continuing to struggle with time running, the feeling of barely meeting all of life's requirements at minimal standard and at the last second. I am unsure whether this is hormones, depression or long term effects of grief. I question everything, but I take no action for change. I am sort of stuck in this bizarre autopilot that I spoke of last week......I literally don't even have the energy to give up or change anything currently. I need to, I want to, but I can't. I am a prisoner to my own, I don't know, I am just trapped in this state of now. I keep hoping time will help this feeling, but it is most certainly not.  I am counting down to the season's ending of markets and to quieter times when kids return to school so that I may be able to figure myself out. I am allowing myself to be stuck this way for now while life is running at such a rapid pace. I am embracing the idea of fall and with it, quieter and simpler days, but at the same time I am not ready to let go of the long warm summer days that I find polar opposite the day Finnley passed. I am almost terrified to feel  the cold, dark days of winter again. Today is long and warm and sunny. I will continue in the now on autopilot until something gives. Maybe I will look for a self help book that I won't have time to read. If you have suggestions, I am all ears.