I am literally going to use this as a safe, real place to let feelings out today. No fancy fun stuff, just raw and real. Social media is a platform where we post all things pretty about our perfect lives. It startled me the other day when I told my mom that I am having a hard time and she responded, "But your life looks so picturesque and perfect. I thought everything was great." Yea, that. It's real, but it is not the whole picture, it is the good things because it's not healthy to focus on the bad, but sometimes I just have to because they are there and in my face, hard to miss. I think it is tacky to continually air dirty laundry, but here goes.......it gets literal lol!
The struggle I currently face with exhaustion is a real one. I am not sure if it is just hormones and I pray it is, but I don't know how much reserve I have left. I know I am always digging deep in August on the farm, but this year might be the hardest August yet. The weeding, seeding, planting, harvesting, markets, lifting heavy bins, selling......its a never ending circle. My body aches everywhere most days. I physically hurt, but mental burn out is also pungent. The repetition of so much harvesting can just waste your body and mind. Add that to caring for a large family, home messes that don't stop and disorganization that is making me lose my ever loving mind. I just can't.do.it.all. The kids need school and routines. My house needs gutted, repainted, repaired, new furniture and clean clothes hung properly in closets. My kid's bedding needs washed. Mom fail: None of their bedding has been washed since school let out for summer. YES folks it's that bad. Here I am airing that dirty laundry and my dirty kitchen.
My kitchen was found to have a slow leaking pipe this week where it collapsed the under side of a cabinet and base of our house. Mold abounds. The lists abound and time is short. Short, wrong, it doesn't even exist. The farm eats every last drop. EVERYTHING needs maintenance. Tis' the season and mama is coming for it all once school goes back in and we drop harvests to once a week. Summer CSA ends October 6th, which means I can dig deep and shred my house. It is like being a prisoner knowing everything that needs done and literally just not having the ability to get to it. I know I could not be blogging and putting my kid's dirty bedding in right now, but actually I can't. The AirBnB's are so busy, they clog our washer and dryer constantly with all the linens getting cleaned. I can't complain, AirBnB has been a wonderful addition to the farm, requiring much less physically and mentally of me, although it is another piece pulling me in another direction. For today, I will just slug through the to do list, tomorrow will be harvest like every other Tuesday for way too many months past. Wednesday is CSA pick up day, Thursday catch up on weeding, planting and advertising. Friday is harvest, Saturday is market, Sunday I catch up on books, maybe a couple loads of laundry so we have clean underwear and irrigation that doesn't quit. There is a very distant end in sight. It's just so far. This card I received from a friend this week was precisely what I needed. She's pretty amazing like that so for now.........I will just keep swimming. I have no choice.
You know who you are and all these little cards I have saved. They come in the right timing somehow with just the right words. You are a gift to me. Thank you.
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