Wednesday, July 9, 2008

We're.........

PLEASE PLEASE pray for us yet again. I cant believe it, I am in total shock.....but you guessed it, I just tested this am and another BFP. For those who remember I m/c June 10th. I felt really witchy and hungry the last few days and assumed af was coming, our bd timing wasn't anywhere close to O so this is a real shocker to say the least. I almost fell over when I tested lol. I called the dr and will be starting Progesterone today, oh joy! I am thankful to start it, but scared of how sick its gonna make me!
Update July 9th afternoon-I went out and bought a few more preggy tests. I took another and wow, huge difference in lines since just this morning. All is well, I just feel it. My lines are darker right now than they ever got with the last pregnancy that I just recently lost. This has to be a good sign. The Dr called in my Progesterone script and I go in at 4 this afternoon to pick it up and start it. The lady actually remembered me, she was such a sweetheart. All is going quite well so far. yay
July 10th update: Well I started Progesterone last night and seemed to be well. I got up this am happily ready to pee on another stick to see some even more beautiful lines than yesterday. Instead, I see faint, terrible lines. My heart is so sick. I dont understand why this keeps happening to me. I am so angry and I am trying not to be, but really I am. I have sat here the last 15 minutes in my head begging God to tell me why. What could be causing this? Nursing I wonder? Am I just not worthy enough to be a mother of 6? Does He think now is not a good time? What will the dr say now? Will he poke me some more to run tests? I am just hurting and sad. OF course bleeding hasnt begun, but I know it will in the next several days. Instead of celebrating being 4 weeks along today, I mourn and wait for newly discovered pregnancy to end once again.
July 11th update: So the pregnancy tests are still positive. I dont know what to think right now. I am asking the Dr for HCG and P testing when I call. I am hoping to get them to just draw today and again Monday. My temp was gorgeous this am, but that could be false from the P....who knows. I guess I am just praying for a miracle, but remaining realistic for my heart's sake. He is mighty above all though and I know that only He knows the outcome of this pregnancy and has good reasons for what what He does. I just pray so hard that we are able to meet this beautiful baby in March 2009. I just got off the phone with the specialist and he pushed it off on primary care to do the labwork so now I hope they will order it when I call. I swear all these protocols are ridiculous.
July 11th afternoon update: Well I just got back from doing all the bloodwork. Good news is my tests have gone totally negative so I can stop taking P and move on with the next cycle. We wont try, we dont prevent, God is sovereign and knows what is best for us and we will conceive only if it is meant to happen. As for the bloodwork, holy cow, that was insane. I almost fainted when the I saw the 10+ viles sitting there, esp when I stupidly glanced at them after they were all filled. I was tested for everything under the sun. Basically antiphospholipids, antigens, coagulating issues, you name it, I was tested for it. They also did an HCG which is probably completely negative since this afternoons tests are negative. This month is a complete repeat of last month, like to a T. If I start bleeding tomorrow than it will be exactly the same dpo that bleeding began even. Sorta weird. That tells me that whatever it is, it must be the same issue. My bets are that all is well and its simply low P. I will start P quite early next month. I am also calling to switch medical groups so I can get a new doc that believes in P before a BFP.
July 12th update: Still not bleeding, but my temp did plummet this morning and I am crampy. I am 16dpo and my tests are now completely negative. I stopped P last night and I am praying that bleeding doesnt begin until after our pool party today. I cant imagine being bogged down with bleeding and trying to help my younger 4 kids who dont know how to swim. I somehow feel better about everything today. I know its gonna be okay. I know I will eventually have a 6th child, in fact DH and I feel we are meant to be parents of 8 blessings. We have always sort of felt this way. My fertile years will run out much faster according to the medical world because of all the cysts I have so I think over the next few years, pregnancy will probably end up further and further spaced which is fine too. I am just thrilled how easily we are getting pregnant... I mean that is half the battle right? Praise God for that!
July 13th update: Well the bleeding finally began. Praise God for that. I was sick of sitting here waiting. This pregnancy lasted 1 day longer than my last, last month. I got my medical group switched and I will be seeing an excellent ob now who happens to be the same religion and has similar beleifs. That will make life much easier.

23 comments:

Sandy said...

YAY! He is good, all the time, and all the time, He is good!
That's awesome news...keep us updated!

wesandashlee said...

Congrats!! So excited for you! I think this time everything is going to go just fine!
XOXO

Sankat said...

Janis, congrats!!!!I am sending you sticky dust :p

Laura said...

YAY! I'm sooo very happy for you and your family.God be with you and this baby. I've been keeping up with your blog and yes I'm still leaning towards skirts/dresses...loved your post! So where am I well, sitting here with a skirt on! I'll be praying for you!

Jana said...

congratulations!

Holly said...

For some reason I just felt really called to leave you a comment. Dear, please don't worry, He is in control of everything. Remember that He knows best and He does things that surpass explanation. Just because you have faint lines doesn't necessarily mean you will lose this blessing. Have heart. You are so precious to God. I know I sound crazy, but really I just felt so called to speak to you. Please take heart , be still and know He is Your Father and loves you. God Bless you.

Kelly said...

Dear dear you must stop worrying like this! The Lord above is in control and He always and only does what is best for us. You must stop constantly testing like this. Test once after you miss your period with a top line pregnancy test, then go to a doctor and be done. Different tests register differently. Different urine streams test differently. How strong a line is does not mean your pregnancy is doomed and this added stress and worry does not help your little one grow in a healthy environment. We don't know what the Lord has in store for us, but we do know that He has promised us peace and a future with hope and promise.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 41:10
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

My prayers are with you, but please always know our Father holds you in His hands and does nothing short of protecting you and giving you and your children (even the wee unborn child) exactly what is best and what is needed. Though we may not always understand, His plans are always better for us in the end.

lilpeasinmypodfrom~God said...

Kelly I would love to stop testing early, but I am under the care of a specialist and he wants me testing starting at 10dpo in order to catch a pregnancy at its earliest so that I can start my progesterone supps. I have a condition with low Progesterone that will make it almost impossible to remain pregnant without suppliments the first trimester.

Cyndi said...

I know you don't want to hear this, but if you can possibly take it in the right light, it might help. Go look at your beautiful babies. Go look up at the sky and at the trees and the food growing in your garden. Call your hubby and listen to his voice. Thank God you are alive to be the best mom your five little ones could have. Thank Him for your giant suburban that seats all your family safely. Thank Him for being able to nurse as long as you have (I had to go all formula and my baby isn't even 6 mos yet) Thank him that your kids are able to speak and hear and see. Thank him that you don't spend a huge amount on medical bills for some terrible disease like cystic fibrosis. Thank God for art and furniture, for a home to shelter your little ones. Thank Him for your testimony of Jesus Christ and know that God knows and loves, and blesses you every day, and then. . . BE STILL!

lilpeasinmypodfrom~God said...

Cyndi I know you meant that in the nicest way, but I DO praise God daily for all that is good. I am entitled to be angry. Let me know after your 4th miscarriage if you dont vent a little. If you dont, then you must be Christ himself. I mean this not to be snarky, I just feel slightly attacked or like I am being ungrateful. I am not. I am so grateful for all the blessings in my life and I know what they are, but I am also sad to have yet another loss impending.

Jessica said...

I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how you must feel. I have only had one mc and I thought my heart was ripped out and stepped on. I hope you find the peace you seek.

Amanda said...

I'm sorry hun. I pray for a miracle for you. I do have to say that no matter if it's your first you're trying for or your 10th.. the desire to have another child is no less. I completely understand your heart ache. Why this happens to so many people that desire it and deserve it so badly, we'll never know. You are a great mama.. be proud!

Aubrey said...

I'm so sorry. I will pray for you.

munchbucket said...

Janis-I am so very sorry. You are so wonderful and so strong. Heavely Father will bless you with a baby and hopefully soon. You need to test early and kudos for you for trying your hardest to keep these little ones! Yes you can look into your children faces and see your blessing. Or hold your hubby and feel that great love. But the ache is still there and you have every right to grieve these losses. Again I am so very very soory. I truly hope you get to have your little one "stick" soon. You are wonderful Janis. It will happen.

You will be in my thoughts.

Christina said...

Iam so sorry for yourloss.can specialist do bloodwork?????

Cyndi said...

So sorry Janis, I really love you and your family. You're right, I don't know what it's like to loose a pregnancy. I just heard that being super stressed about getting pregnant can sometimes cause problems and I wanted to help you relax a little. I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to offend. I am in tears now thinking that my comment upset you. Best wishes for the future. -Cyndi

lilpeasinmypodfrom~God said...

Cyndi, trust me I know you didnt mean to offend. Dont beat yourself up about it. I know you were only trying to offer comfort. I just was having a rough afternoon.... kids broke my front window, my glass on my front door and the fridge repair guy just left 220 bucks later and I was feeling quite grumpy. Its not so much that I stress about getting pregnant, I have a beautiful nursling who consumes me right now, but after so many miscarriages, I just cant help but worry once I already am pregnant. I know I shouldnt, but it is hard. I open myself up to that pain though by being quiverful

Sarah said...

Janis - I'm just so sorry that this has happened to you so many times!! I do know a few people who have had a lot of m/c's (5+), and it is just the hardest thing. But at the same time they seem to have developed a strength and perspective that you can't get any other way than through bitter experience. Neal Maxwell used to talk about "drinking from the bitter cup without becoming bitter." Which is NOT to say that you or they shouldn't get angry and hurt and just heartbroken - that is perfectly natural and even important to grieve sometimes.. but once you work through those sad feelings, you regain your trust and faith, and then peace will come back to you and you'll grow from the experience in beautiful ways! sorry this is so long. hang in there and email me any time!

Sarah said...

Janis - I'm just so sorry that this has happened to you so many times!! I do know a few people who have had a lot of m/c's (5+), and it is just the hardest thing. But at the same time they seem to have developed a strength and perspective that you can't get any other way than through bitter experience. Neal Maxwell used to talk about "drinking from the bitter cup without becoming bitter." Which is NOT to say that you or they shouldn't get angry and hurt and just heartbroken - that is perfectly natural and even important to grieve sometimes.. but once you work through those sad feelings, you have to regain your trust and faith, and then peace will come back to you and you'll grow from the experience in beautiful ways! sorry this is so long. hang in there and email me any time!

Laura said...

I left a comment on July 9th and now I'm reading your updates, I'm so very sorry. I haven't written this in my blog but I to just had a miscarriage this past Monday July 7th. It would have been our 10th child, and it was my first miscarriage I was 12 wks. I never knew your heart could hurt so very much, losing someone you have never seen or held in your hands. My baby was growing under my heart and already had a very large part of my heart. I'll continue to be praying for you and Gods blessings upon your family.

maryellenlewis said...

Hey Janis! I'm sorry to hear about your m/c. Ugh! To answer your question, we are not TTC at the moment, but we are open to life. Charting makes me a little wacky so I don't do it. I'm sure you understand. I hope you get answers soon.

Sandy said...

I'm sorry Janis. Rest in His arms Friend, He is your comfort and your peace. I hope you're able to get a better doctor. I hope that God gives you the desire of your heart soon!

Valerie said...

I'm sorry to hear of another m/c. I have had more than my fair share of them, too, and its so rough. My OB had me starting Progesterone on 3 DPO, and that seemed to do the trick.

gL to you!