In the Lab Without a Label

la·bel
1. An item used to identify something or someone, as a small piece of paper or cloth attached to an article to designate its origin, owner, contents, use, or destination.
2. A descriptive term; an epithet.
3. A distinctive name or trademark identifying a product or manufacturer, especially a recording company.

I have always appeared strong and put together to people around me, but really, I have become a people pleaser. I think this was mostly due to being an outcast online as I was raised much differently than many of those women on babycenter. I began this new thing over the past few years, trying to sort myself into the labels that fit me. I wanted to please my peers so I needed to find my peers by labeling. I have obviously had trouble with this. Many of us do, we want to feel acceptance, to fit in, and to be loved. As a mother this pressure becomes greater because its no longer just clothes and music we are matching to our peers, it parenting styles, belief systems, family roles and whether mothers work or stay home. Each person wants to believe their label is the "right" one and so you will often hear them boast of it in order to entice you to join them in their label. What they are in fact doing, is trying to gain your acceptance and "jump" you into their label or their kind. The same happened to me with religion. What on earth did I think would happen when I went to a large family board online and asked about all their religions? Of course each sent me a private message(kid you not, flooded my inbox with over 60) about their religion and why it was the "correct" or "right" one. We had been going to a nondenominational church where I just felt I was sinning and repenting each week and being told God's grace was always enough. I wanted to believe him, but I just couldn't. I wanted more, I wanted a place to make me accountable. We went eeny meeeny minney moe and picked Catholic, went to the church and to be real frank, got creeped out by the sexless priests. I don't want my children molested. We are all human and sex is a natural urge so the vibe we got there was not great. On paper it seemed nice, but in reality, priests are human too and unfortunately lack of sex for so long has caused many of them to fall into molesting of young boys. I have 3 young boys so I cant say that this didn't scare me. It weighed in heavily so we Xed this off our list. Next was the LDS church. It fit the bill well. We went to church and received our official Mormon love bombing and all was well. I now had a place where everything in life seemed grand. I would have my label, "my" people and be accountable. I would work my way to the temple in hopes of working my way to heaven. The missionaries were stunningly handsome and persuasive as well so that helped the baptism process to be speedy. Well, that coupled with the fact that I had pressure from all ends. The whole church loved our family, my Internet pals were all telling me it was "right" and the "only way to have the fullness of the gospel" and I think the there was pressure to fit in and be accepted by these people who immediately seemed to love us. In all this, what I failed to realize is, we just have to accept ourselves. A friend emailed this to me recently and it REALLY hit home. "Don't try to live up to every ones expectations of what they think you should do with your life because you will always have someone disappointed." How true is this? I have to quit being wishy washy. I have been acting like a puppet on a string. I have to stand firm. I know I will have all the pressure of the Mormon love bombing coming back to save me from a life doomed to hell for not going to church there, but this is how it is. Nate and I discussed it thoroughly for a while now and we wont be going back. We will let the bishop know and ask him not to send anyone over, to call us or bother us again. We will return items pertaining to callings and just be done with it. This doesn't mean our relationship with Christ ends, it continues......it continues with loving sufficient grace of His mercy. I realize looking back, I dont need humans keeping me accountable and locking me out of a Temple for "bad behavior." What I need is to read my scriptures, take care of my family and most of all, His grace. The thing I must work on is being strong in who I am. I was always strong as a party girl. I was a confident atheist, unconcerned for others who were concerned for me. In other words, I would give them the finger. In reality though, I am a grown up now and I need to get back that confidence and politely decline to deal with, associate with or bother with those trying to convert me to some "new" way of being. I am just gonna be me. If I dissapoint you, get off my blog, delete me from your friends list on myspace, dont call me, get on with your life because I dont need you in mine. Oh and one last thing before I get off here, the labels are crap. I am not a label anymore. My friend Crystal has always told me to get away from the labels, but I always blew her off assuming she was just one more person trying to give me advice and this past year I have had it coming from too many directions. She was right though. I am stripping the labels from my headlines. I am not a lab speciman, you can't label me anymore. You can call me Janis!