DISCLAIMER: I know this may hurt some beautiful LDS people I know so in some ways I hope they don't read it. In some ways it hurt to even write this for the sake of them, but I have be true to myself. I love all you beautiful people regardless though and I have no hard feelings towards LDS members.
I have had writer's block lately, you know that stupid little fog that clouds your brain from putting thoughts together eloquently? I am just lost. Plain and simple. I am clear and focused, but lost. I am so sure, but unsure. I am ready and willing, but for what? I am choosing the straight and narrow and doing all the "right" things, but I am falling short. I am working hard, but people are all hypocrites, including myself. I am not looking for responses here. I am just typing to empty my brain of its fuzz bunnies. I went to McDonalds play place today with a friend and she sat and complained about being lonely or sorta of lost and I swear I have felt this same thing lately. My life is very lonely. No one could begin to think it could be because well, I have 5 little humans I interact with all day. The truth is though, I am meatier than the kids. My conversations have way more depth than a child can or should understand. The adult things I want to say all get trapped away because I am alone so often. With Nate working, I feel like a starved child who fiends on adult interaction at the park for an hour. Its my drink, it my high for the week, its RIDICULOUS. Problem being, in my ward there are only 4 other younger moms and 3 work so its impossible to get together with them, they are juggling a hectic life. The one who doesn't, I just found out is moving soon so really what I am I left with???? Myself or my old friends. Sure my old friends do Non-LDS things and say non-LDS things, but I am lonely. I feel like I don't know where I fit in. Well, I know where I fit in, but the place I am trying to mold in is making it very hard. Its not easy dropping everything and flipping a switch overnight. We have held up well thus far, but I think we are both like 2 Atkins's dieters, we are getting sick of protein. We want some carbs. Our lives are out of balance. Everything is being thrown out of balance. Its hard. Well I know what "they" would say, "go to your bishop" or "do what is right even if you are completely miserable" or, "that's Satan." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I am given this one life to live and I was living in complete whacked out, sinful, destructive misery and fun. I am now living in a hell of perfection that I can't possibly maintain. I don't believe if there even is a God, that he would want someone to waste their life in that fashion. No one should. Being born into something makes it easy and normal so those people I discredit because they would never begin to understand another lifestyle. I feel like one of those Hispanics that, when they get mad, they start yelling in Spanish(their native language). When stress hits, I get tired, mad, whatever, I am wanting to go crawling to my native language----old friends, a beer, a night on the town with a miniskirt. Its a hard thing to unprogram a programmed person. I know what is right, but what if none of it is real or even exists. What if I do just head to the store one day and grab a 6 pack. I will have raised my children up to be mr and mrs Molly Mormon supremes and they will HATE me, shun me and call me a hypocrite. Now maybe this is me reasoning with myself knowing that I will eventually crack and start speaking my native language. Its hard because I have done good until the stress of life lately which has me feeling like a jack in the box, ready to crack open at the slightest cranking. In all honesty I have completely had to shut ME out. I have shut down and suppressed and closed all doors to my soul in the hopes of saving it and living in Heaven someday. I just hate how wishy washy I look, but really, I want to know what is out there and every experience has made me me. I don't care who thinks what about me, this was part of where I had to go, it was my journey and I learned. I don't know whether I will be going back to that particular church, I would prefer to go where I am accepted regardless of whether I had a drink yesterday or whether I wear perfectly covering clothes at every moment. I want to live well of course. I wont regress back that person, but I also have to let me be me. I refuse to become some wild heathen, but there is a balance and I have learned this balance only by living both extremes. Its been such an eye opener, a great experience. I will leave this post with the testimony that I DON'T know what is really true, but I am searching, pondering and going to live as a good mommy(my #1 goal) and not some retched hypocrite. I may not be a hypocrite yet, but I will be, I just know me and one day, I will crack and I will do something against one of the legalistic teachings and that will be it, my kids will hate me. I cant give "them" that control of my children. My entire family has a drink on a holiday or BBQ so it isn't as easy as so many say......their families are the same as they are. I am who I am and that is all that I am and that's all that I want to be. I CAN be anyone, but I don't want to. I am me. I am me......I know right from wrong, but by my own standards, not by the standards of a church who has many beliefs that are not even back by the Holy Bible itself. We will live with morals and values, but I cannot and will not continue to measure myself against an impossible perfection of righteousness that isn't even attainable. By His grace or mercy or in your own works, it isn't attainable. I do now realize why depression rates are so high in this group(3 of my 4 friends my age from church are on antidepressants), its because you are made to feel like you aren't good enough every week that you sit there. Its too hard. I also know that torturing my children and myself to sit for an hour and a half every week alone(since Nate is always working) isn't good for any of our emotional well being. You have all heard the religiously raised children talk about how wild they go at 18, its because they suppressed and feel shame every week. Granted the kids love the 1.5 hours after 1st meeting because they have a fun kids class, but they have those classes anywhere you go or you can do crafts at home. Anyhow, I am now nursing my sweet Kenna so typing is getting strenuous under the weight of her little head so I will stop here. Maybe I am having a bad day, maybe I am having a good day, maybe its all a load of crap, maybe its not, maybe the dust bunnies just had to get out.