Monday, April 28, 2008

What Peaceful Parenting Looks Like for LDS too

"I want to try peaceful parenting but I don't know where to start." -Cyndi

Well I would watch these youtube videos: they are short and and start with throwing out discipline and then working your way into other areas like quitting limiting TV or food, etc.You can adjust it an stop where your family is comfortable. some families may choose not to have TV or may still limit video games or bedtime or have a chore time each day or what have you, that is what makes each family unique! Dont not try peaceful parenting because there are a few areas you dont agree with, just keep those areas how they are if everyone likes it. First just pick one area, master it and move on. Its a process. It will be about 2 weeks of craziness probably and when/if you remain serious and really peaceful, always viewing the situations from their limited knowledge of things, you wont see them as a bad child needing punished, but a frustrated child needing gentle guidance. Ex: Everett bit Tanner today. Punitive parenting would tell me to spank him, bite him back, naughty spot him or time him out. Peaceful parenting told me to go to him calmly after seeing to Tanners wound and ask him why he bit his brother. He says, "he broke my lego airplane so I bit him." I asked him what he could do differently next time instead of biting and he replies, "ummm, come tell you." I then asked him what he could do to make the situation better and he says, "sorry Tanner, want me to make you your own lego plane?" Tanner tells him he does and he follows through on his own terms. Not all situations will resolve as peacefully as they dont always even with adults. Kids are people too, we dont own them, we have them for a short time and guide them to go into the world. And dont beat yourself up at first. As Dayna told me, "if you are being the parent you WANT to be, 51% of the time, you are doing great" beating out the punitive parenting inch by inch and making a huge difference for your kids. you will notice your blood pressure completely quits raising in this lifestyle if you are doing it correctly. Life will be good, easy, joyful, mindful, in the moment and fun. This lifestyle takes more creativity. EX: Wyatt kept showing his boy parts in the park to my friends when he was mad. I called Dayna and asked her advice about this and she gave me the idea and it worked! I finally told him after a playdate, "Wyatt, you know when we get older, the police could get called and you can go to jail for indecent exposure." he seemed shocked and I was very matter of fact with it........ carefully so as not to put him on the defense and make him shut down and wouldnt you know, he hasnt shown his parts in over a month now! I also resolved our buckling seat belt issue. I showed the kids some "cool" youtube videos of real people flying out and being ran over and their guts all over and brains being smashed etc. They thought it was pretty cool/sick. I then asked Everett(biggest offender) if he wanted to be the carseat safety officer. He was thrilled to pieces and takes his job ever so seriously and everyone is buckled now. We are all thrilled and he reminds any offenders(nonbuckled) that they could end up like the youtube guys lol! So there you have it, some peaceful ideas. No the videos werent peaceful per say, but they were real and everyone appreciated them in some sick sorta way lol. Its not just the kids' way all day, its meeting everyone's needs together through compromise and peacefully.
What the LDS church says about peaceful parenting
Sometimes we think that some five-second formula or recipe will effectively change a family member's behavior. Long-term change, however, comes only from living correct principles. The Lord told priesthood bearers how the power and influence of the priesthood should be used (see D&C 121:4146). We can use some of the things he mentioned, such as persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned to teach and guide our children and others. In contrast, using sarcasm, intimidation, force, impatience, irritability or anger, harshness, and pride will neither teach children proper values nor help them change their behavior. In fact, we know that it is Satan, not Heavenly Father, who wants us to use force and hostility.
We can learn to be better parents by studying the scriptures to see how Heavenly Father deals with his children. We can also learn how not to act by observing Satan's methods. What can you learn from the following chart to help you be a better parent.

The Lord's Way VS
Satan's Way

Lord: Love unfeigned—charity, caring for others' welfare despite any wrongdoing.
Satan: Physical force—being hostile and unfairly using physical strength.
Lord: Acceptance—seeing others in eternal perspective, judging with compassion.
Satan; Blame—condemning others' faults without compassion.
Lord: Integrity—being honest, a personal commitment to righteousness.
Satan: Accusation—provoking guilt, reminding people of their mistakes to punish them and justify oneself.
Lord: Persuasion—teaching with compassion, kindly pointing out advantages and disadvantages of situations.
Satan: Intimidation—ruling by fear because others are afraid of one's power.
Lord: Gentleness—soft, not treating others harshly.
Satan: Threat—expressing an intent to physically or emotionally harm someone.
Lord: Trust—lovingly allowing others to exercise their agency to choose right or wrong and to accept the consequences.
Satan: Pride—self-righteously preaching moral truths and condemning others.
Lord: Responsibility—acknowledging and assuming your role in any situation including repenting for past wrongdoing.
Satan: Self-centeredness—refusing to accept responsibility for your actions.
Lord: Meekness—humility, uncomplaining, and teachable
Satan: Haughtiness—being unteachable, proud, and pessimistic.


Andy and Katy said...

Hello, you don't know me but I have followed your story on babycenter LDS board and on your blog. I am a 24 year old LDS mom of 2 living in Utah, and I stay at home with my children. I came to the realization yesterday that I am teaching my children nothing by using methods of parenting that were used on me and that absolute demeaning anger and was used by my parents I am now using on my children. I know that I felt prompted to "stalk" your blog this morning and found this post. I watched all of the videos that you linked and have tears in my eyes. I just wanted to thank you for taking a stand against what everyone else is doing with their kids and taking a loving approach to parenting and really living with your kids instead of being rulers over them. I have been the ruler over my 3 and 1 year old for too long now and it is time to make a change. Your post touched my heart and I plan on making the change to peaceful parenting TODAY!!! I want my kids to love me and then respect me instead of the other way around. Thank you again and I hope that you know you have given me hope to be a better mother with your methods and have prevented me from spending another day in rock bottom with my children.

Katy Morgan

lilpeasinmypodfrom~God said...

Katy, I am thrilled beyond belief to receive this letter this morning. I am so touched by what you wrote, you are an amazing mom for knowing this early on that you want it to be different, we only stumbled upon this lifestyle over the last 2 years and my kids were already 5 and under by then so you are a few years ahead of me, LUCKY you! i have days of guilt for the time when i did punitive parent, but my kids know I am human and knew no other way and when I knew better, I did better! HUGS hope your day goes beautifully today. Love those babies.