BABY blessing number 6!!

6 week development fetoscopy from pregnancy.org
"Week Six
The arms and legs continue to develop - These limbs are stretching out more and more. Later on you will be feeling those feet and elbows up close and personal right in your bladder!
Brain is growing well - Did you know that over the course of the remaining months that your baby's brain will develop over 100 billion neurons? This is just the beginning!
Lenses of the eyes appear - If you could catch a glimpse inside, you would notice your baby's appearance becoming increasing like a newborn's.
Nostrils are formed - The position of the nose seems to shift into its proper place as well. Soon, the nerves running from the nose to the brain appear.
Intestines grow - Initially these are actually located outside the baby's body within the umbilical cord.
Pancreas - Your baby is now equipped to deal with digestive enzymes and take on processing the insulin and glucagons the body needs to function."
Introducing our sweet little gummy bear. I am excited beyond beleif that there was only 1 and its healthy and its heart is beating normally. PRAISE God, there is absolutely nothing sweeter

Bathroom Remodel

Pic above was only partially finished when this was taken

WE LOVE IT! Nate is such a handy man, I LOVE him:) What a great homeschooling opportunity for the kids to partake in and learn from.

Pregnancy Update

I got more bloodwork today, I will post results mon/tues when I get them back. My first prenatal apt is thursday for all the normal pap and whatnot. My first transvaginal u/s is Friday next week at 10:30 am. I am praying we see a healthy baby and heartbeat on that apt. It is going to really ease my mind about the pregnancy. My sister announced yesterday that she is pregnant and due 3 days after me. That will be really awesome for us, but I am reserved and fearful of how I will cope if I loose this baby and have to see her at all the same stages I "would" have been. I really hope it all works out for both of us and we get to do this together. What an opportunity this will be to be pregnant with my sis!

Update: HCG was 19,052! Doubling time: 44.9 hours, that is faster than I doubled with Kenna at this stage by 10 hours.....hmmmmmmm wonder how many are in there:) lol, hopefully just one very healthy baby with a strong heartbeat

Dave Ramsey NO MORE!!

How did I forget to post? We are completely DEBT FREE! We have a mortgage, that is it! We have all our vehicles, credit cards, and other misc. debt all paid off. In 11 months, we paid off around 45 thousand in debt!!! I am so thrilled. It can be done to anyone out there thinking there is no way. Its possible. Others may not be able to pay that much off or may pay off more, but the key is, STICKING to it! We are blessed that DH could do tons of overtime to pay off debt quickly. I just cant tell you the weight off my shoulders. Its amazing. I feel like we have the entire world in front of us and we can conquer anything. We have an amazing vacation planned next month in part to celebrate our debt being gone and I do not have to think about much of a budget on that vacation, WHY? Because I have no debt to pay off! We get to just go and enjoy ourselves and eat out and just relax as a treat for all the craziness we have endured trying to pay everything off this past year.

HCG updates and other early pregnancy stuff

First draw was last Thursday, August 7,08(10dpo). It was a qualitative, which means yes or no. Under 5 is neg and over 25 is positive. Mine came back inconclusive(which mean levels were between 6-24) but my nurse said, it was almost positive and to have a redraw. I will guess my levels were about 20. I then had a redraw Monday, the morning of August 11th, 2008(14dpo) the results came back at 221!!!! Doubling time was only 27.7 hours, BEAUTIFUL! I will be having more hcg drawn tomorrow, but for now I am completely relaxed because all my good store brand tests are maxed out and darker than the control lines. My cheapy tests are allllllmost maxed out this am so I know my hcg is really shooting up. My cheapies maxed out at 18dpo with Kenna and I am only 16dpo today so I feel good and I know so far that things are doing really well. Okay 3rd draw, at 17 dpo, came back at 986, doubling time was 33.4 hours so it slowed a tad from the first draw and I have a VERY busy weekend in high altitude and now I am freaked out and hoping I didnt hurt anything.


Now for Progesterone, I started 25mg 2X per day at 3dpo and then at 10 dpo my temps just werent impressive, hovering around 98.3, just a few tenths lower than I would have liked so I went ahead and bumped my dose to 50mg 2X per day. My temps shot up and held strong, but the last few mornings they seemed to maybe be trying to slough just a slight bit(although its been chilly here at night lately cause fall is on the way soon) so the dr just said, lets be safe and bump you to 75mg 2X per day so that is where we are right now with that and hopefully all goes well and we stay on the P supps til 12 weeks and wean off and have a healthy pregnancy.

As for nursing, we are still nursing strong. Kenna gets 1 bottle of juice in the morning(she always has since 6 months to keep her going to the bathroom) and 1 4oz bottle of formula in the evening to make sure shes getting enough iron, dha, etc and enough calories because my boobs are really quite empty and she bites me furiously in the evening time as if to tell me there isnt enough. I plan to nurse this whole pregnancy through and tandem nurse. She also eats 2-3 small meals each day and little baby snacks and things, but she still nurses about 5-6 X per day and 2-4 X per night so we are still nursing a ton.

So yeah, I'm announcing it again PREGNANT!

BFP 9dpo(I tested + @ 8dpo this time though)
BFP 10dpo
BFP 11dpo, my test line is as dark as the control line on FRER

3rd times a charm I hope! It was with Kenna:) We started more progesterone and earlier this month and I think it did the trick. My due date is April 21st so we should have a late March sweetie. I am seriously so excited. We were going to wait to share the news, but alas, I know many people will be wanting to go out drinking and whatnot and wonder why I am sipping water(not beer) and puking lol

Update, so now people think I am faking this pregnancy as well because when you click the photo is says July08 at the top....umm I was too lazy to make a new Aug08 folder, SUE me lol. Gimme a damn break

What a Relief

Nate and I just so happened to get a sitter last night for the first time in while. This was a first time thing for Kenna. She is almost 1 year and has never been away from me. I was scared to leave her, but I knew that she would be comforted by Kayla if the inlaws couldn't get her happy. I am pleased to say she did pretty well. Only problem was she refused to take a bottle and got a touch dehydrated I think because she didn't pee for the entire time we were gone and even at 11pm when I checked her diaper it was dry. I am not in a big hurry to leave her again because of that. It was a much needed break for me though. We were only gone from 6-9:30 so she lived! We just went to Macaroni Grill and had a nice dinner with a few glasses of wine and then to Lowes to get some more bathroom project stuff. I swear that is never ending! Anyhow, we had so much fun just being us. Looking back, we were breaking the Sabbath too and quite frankly, I don't care. That was his only day off in 13 days and I wasn't going to miss an opportunity to go on a date together! Oh and I forgot to mention more recently, WE ARE DEBT FREE!!!! BUT, we are now trying to pay for this big remodel which is inching up in cost everyday, so money just never ends lol. By September though, all this craziness is going to stop and he will be having 3-4 day weekends every week. I am really looking forward to it!

In the Lab Without a Label

la·bel
1. An item used to identify something or someone, as a small piece of paper or cloth attached to an article to designate its origin, owner, contents, use, or destination.
2. A descriptive term; an epithet.
3. A distinctive name or trademark identifying a product or manufacturer, especially a recording company.

I have always appeared strong and put together to people around me, but really, I have become a people pleaser. I think this was mostly due to being an outcast online as I was raised much differently than many of those women on babycenter. I began this new thing over the past few years, trying to sort myself into the labels that fit me. I wanted to please my peers so I needed to find my peers by labeling. I have obviously had trouble with this. Many of us do, we want to feel acceptance, to fit in, and to be loved. As a mother this pressure becomes greater because its no longer just clothes and music we are matching to our peers, it parenting styles, belief systems, family roles and whether mothers work or stay home. Each person wants to believe their label is the "right" one and so you will often hear them boast of it in order to entice you to join them in their label. What they are in fact doing, is trying to gain your acceptance and "jump" you into their label or their kind. The same happened to me with religion. What on earth did I think would happen when I went to a large family board online and asked about all their religions? Of course each sent me a private message(kid you not, flooded my inbox with over 60) about their religion and why it was the "correct" or "right" one. We had been going to a nondenominational church where I just felt I was sinning and repenting each week and being told God's grace was always enough. I wanted to believe him, but I just couldn't. I wanted more, I wanted a place to make me accountable. We went eeny meeeny minney moe and picked Catholic, went to the church and to be real frank, got creeped out by the sexless priests. I don't want my children molested. We are all human and sex is a natural urge so the vibe we got there was not great. On paper it seemed nice, but in reality, priests are human too and unfortunately lack of sex for so long has caused many of them to fall into molesting of young boys. I have 3 young boys so I cant say that this didn't scare me. It weighed in heavily so we Xed this off our list. Next was the LDS church. It fit the bill well. We went to church and received our official Mormon love bombing and all was well. I now had a place where everything in life seemed grand. I would have my label, "my" people and be accountable. I would work my way to the temple in hopes of working my way to heaven. The missionaries were stunningly handsome and persuasive as well so that helped the baptism process to be speedy. Well, that coupled with the fact that I had pressure from all ends. The whole church loved our family, my Internet pals were all telling me it was "right" and the "only way to have the fullness of the gospel" and I think the there was pressure to fit in and be accepted by these people who immediately seemed to love us. In all this, what I failed to realize is, we just have to accept ourselves. A friend emailed this to me recently and it REALLY hit home. "Don't try to live up to every ones expectations of what they think you should do with your life because you will always have someone disappointed." How true is this? I have to quit being wishy washy. I have been acting like a puppet on a string. I have to stand firm. I know I will have all the pressure of the Mormon love bombing coming back to save me from a life doomed to hell for not going to church there, but this is how it is. Nate and I discussed it thoroughly for a while now and we wont be going back. We will let the bishop know and ask him not to send anyone over, to call us or bother us again. We will return items pertaining to callings and just be done with it. This doesn't mean our relationship with Christ ends, it continues......it continues with loving sufficient grace of His mercy. I realize looking back, I dont need humans keeping me accountable and locking me out of a Temple for "bad behavior." What I need is to read my scriptures, take care of my family and most of all, His grace. The thing I must work on is being strong in who I am. I was always strong as a party girl. I was a confident atheist, unconcerned for others who were concerned for me. In other words, I would give them the finger. In reality though, I am a grown up now and I need to get back that confidence and politely decline to deal with, associate with or bother with those trying to convert me to some "new" way of being. I am just gonna be me. If I dissapoint you, get off my blog, delete me from your friends list on myspace, dont call me, get on with your life because I dont need you in mine. Oh and one last thing before I get off here, the labels are crap. I am not a label anymore. My friend Crystal has always told me to get away from the labels, but I always blew her off assuming she was just one more person trying to give me advice and this past year I have had it coming from too many directions. She was right though. I am stripping the labels from my headlines. I am not a lab speciman, you can't label me anymore. You can call me Janis!

Dust Bunnies-warning this wont be inspirational or thought provoking so please dont bother with it!

DISCLAIMER: I know this may hurt some beautiful LDS people I know so in some ways I hope they don't read it. In some ways it hurt to even write this for the sake of them, but I have be true to myself. I love all you beautiful people regardless though and I have no hard feelings towards LDS members.

I have had writer's block lately, you know that stupid little fog that clouds your brain from putting thoughts together eloquently? I am just lost. Plain and simple. I am clear and focused, but lost. I am so sure, but unsure. I am ready and willing, but for what? I am choosing the straight and narrow and doing all the "right" things, but I am falling short. I am working hard, but people are all hypocrites, including myself. I am not looking for responses here. I am just typing to empty my brain of its fuzz bunnies. I went to McDonalds play place today with a friend and she sat and complained about being lonely or sorta of lost and I swear I have felt this same thing lately. My life is very lonely. No one could begin to think it could be because well, I have 5 little humans I interact with all day. The truth is though, I am meatier than the kids. My conversations have way more depth than a child can or should understand. The adult things I want to say all get trapped away because I am alone so often. With Nate working, I feel like a starved child who fiends on adult interaction at the park for an hour. Its my drink, it my high for the week, its RIDICULOUS. Problem being, in my ward there are only 4 other younger moms and 3 work so its impossible to get together with them, they are juggling a hectic life. The one who doesn't, I just found out is moving soon so really what I am I left with???? Myself or my old friends. Sure my old friends do Non-LDS things and say non-LDS things, but I am lonely. I feel like I don't know where I fit in. Well, I know where I fit in, but the place I am trying to mold in is making it very hard. Its not easy dropping everything and flipping a switch overnight. We have held up well thus far, but I think we are both like 2 Atkins's dieters, we are getting sick of protein. We want some carbs. Our lives are out of balance. Everything is being thrown out of balance. Its hard. Well I know what "they" would say, "go to your bishop" or "do what is right even if you are completely miserable" or, "that's Satan." Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I am given this one life to live and I was living in complete whacked out, sinful, destructive misery and fun. I am now living in a hell of perfection that I can't possibly maintain. I don't believe if there even is a God, that he would want someone to waste their life in that fashion. No one should. Being born into something makes it easy and normal so those people I discredit because they would never begin to understand another lifestyle. I feel like one of those Hispanics that, when they get mad, they start yelling in Spanish(their native language). When stress hits, I get tired, mad, whatever, I am wanting to go crawling to my native language----old friends, a beer, a night on the town with a miniskirt. Its a hard thing to unprogram a programmed person. I know what is right, but what if none of it is real or even exists. What if I do just head to the store one day and grab a 6 pack. I will have raised my children up to be mr and mrs Molly Mormon supremes and they will HATE me, shun me and call me a hypocrite. Now maybe this is me reasoning with myself knowing that I will eventually crack and start speaking my native language. Its hard because I have done good until the stress of life lately which has me feeling like a jack in the box, ready to crack open at the slightest cranking. In all honesty I have completely had to shut ME out. I have shut down and suppressed and closed all doors to my soul in the hopes of saving it and living in Heaven someday. I just hate how wishy washy I look, but really, I want to know what is out there and every experience has made me me. I don't care who thinks what about me, this was part of where I had to go, it was my journey and I learned. I don't know whether I will be going back to that particular church, I would prefer to go where I am accepted regardless of whether I had a drink yesterday or whether I wear perfectly covering clothes at every moment. I want to live well of course. I wont regress back that person, but I also have to let me be me. I refuse to become some wild heathen, but there is a balance and I have learned this balance only by living both extremes. Its been such an eye opener, a great experience. I will leave this post with the testimony that I DON'T know what is really true, but I am searching, pondering and going to live as a good mommy(my #1 goal) and not some retched hypocrite. I may not be a hypocrite yet, but I will be, I just know me and one day, I will crack and I will do something against one of the legalistic teachings and that will be it, my kids will hate me. I cant give "them" that control of my children. My entire family has a drink on a holiday or BBQ so it isn't as easy as so many say......their families are the same as they are. I am who I am and that is all that I am and that's all that I want to be. I CAN be anyone, but I don't want to. I am me. I am me......I know right from wrong, but by my own standards, not by the standards of a church who has many beliefs that are not even back by the Holy Bible itself. We will live with morals and values, but I cannot and will not continue to measure myself against an impossible perfection of righteousness that isn't even attainable. By His grace or mercy or in your own works, it isn't attainable. I do now realize why depression rates are so high in this group(3 of my 4 friends my age from church are on antidepressants), its because you are made to feel like you aren't good enough every week that you sit there. Its too hard. I also know that torturing my children and myself to sit for an hour and a half every week alone(since Nate is always working) isn't good for any of our emotional well being. You have all heard the religiously raised children talk about how wild they go at 18, its because they suppressed and feel shame every week. Granted the kids love the 1.5 hours after 1st meeting because they have a fun kids class, but they have those classes anywhere you go or you can do crafts at home. Anyhow, I am now nursing my sweet Kenna so typing is getting strenuous under the weight of her little head so I will stop here. Maybe I am having a bad day, maybe I am having a good day, maybe its all a load of crap, maybe its not, maybe the dust bunnies just had to get out.