Saturday, February 9, 2008

OMGosh OMGosh OMGosh I AM a PRISONER of my own Confusion

I swear I flip-flop everyday. I am struggling coming from such a liberal background and liberal behavior to be a stuffy conservative(no offense those who are conservative). I feel like I am 2 different people stuck in one. I know I want the structure and good things from a religion for my kids and Nate wants it for them as well, but for me, eh I am a crazy free spirit. I CANT make myself beleive. WHY oh WHY cant I? I dont want my kids to deal with this kind of confusion later on either. I want them grounded somehow so I feel I must endure church and basically lie to myself and everyone around me in order to have this for my kids. I beleive in some supreme being but I dont beleive It would want me to feel this way and feel so miserable and trapped. Why does religion feel so entrapping? I like to swear and act like a crazy person and get tattooed, yet the rational side of me is telling me it was a phase and I need to grow up now and be the mom of 5 that I am. I am reallllllly working on swearing, but this is a daily struggle. I grew up in a potty mouth family and have raised lil pottymouths as its never been a big deal to me for kids to say bad words since they are only words. Gosh I just feel like I am turning my life 180 around and I dont know if I like it. I guess I feel like its the "right" thing to do, but I dont know that its making me happy. It feels like religious people live these really boring lives, giving 10% of their wages up and struggling financially all in the HOPES of eternal life. What if it doesnt exist? What if this is all a crock? I have read the whole New Testament and the Book of Mormon, most of the Old Testament and I really struggle with beleiving these are words of a person everyone refers to as God. What if people wrote it to create a way for an instruction book for life, including charity, humility, good deeds, giving, loving, correct behaviours and attitudes, obeying laws, etc. I want it for my kids but not me I think. I think I only want it for them because it will help them to be "Good" people by the opinion of society and they will be viewed as well-mannered and Christian. Yet, my kids arent taking well to it either. Well, Kayla is, but Wyatt will pray and say at the end, ABUTT in place of AMEN or if he gets mad at me and says, "God is a stupid ass." and then he laughs and covers his mouth because he knows it upsets me. I dunno. I flipflop so much on the issue. I am downright sick of my own brain, lol! PLEASE any words of advise? email me if you like, Iam just writing, venting, whatever, this is just a random afternoon post while the kids are behaving! I am very open and will read anything you send my way
THANK YOU MUCH for reading!


Wayne and Melissa said...

Janis...Sounds like a conversation you should be having with the Lord. Just in case you haven't tried that one yet.

staceymuller said...

Don't lie to yourself and those around you for the sake of conforming or fitting into a stereotype. There are hundreds of religions and if something doesn't feel right, then maybe it's not. Maybe there's something else that works better. I've heard from others who believe (I've emailed you, you know where I stand with religion) that you don't have to go to a place of worship to have a relationship with God. Perhaps taking a backseat and maybe reading a few books based on religion will help. One I know of is Religion 101. It breaks down each religion and explains them.