Sunday, February 3, 2008

This is an older post from when I had a realization that I wanted to go to the LDS church

Old blog

Okay so I was raised with a homemaker mother and grew up what they call "countryish" on a small "farm"(at least thats what californians call 5 acres with more than 10 animals lol) then I went astray, following fashion, pursuing a career. I was gonna be the working way would I do what my crazy mother did(stay at home all day, EW YUCK, NO way, not me) HA! Well its funny, I got that degree and went to work and started gaining things I wanted.....fancier clothes, brand new vehicles, boobs, a job, kids in daycare. Wow I realized how empty it all became in a hurry. I couldnt bare leaving my babies in the hands of others even if they were people I trusted and loved so much myself. So I quit my job and decided to stay at home again Jan 05. Its been a crazy wild ride with days of regret and wishing I didnt choose to stay home again. I had no routine, no schedules and felt utterly useless as a mother. I felt I wasnt doing a good job.....and I wasnt, but I had no idea how or where to begin to fix it and feel worth again. I decided to stop drinking and become pregnant. Pregnancy made me at least feel some worth at home as I was doing "something" productive, creating another life.
That died quickly when the miscarriages rolled around and instead of doing constructive things, I drank myself silly to ease boredom, waste time, rid myself of anxiety and drown myself out of the duties I didnt know how to do.
I quit drinking and started getting serious......reading books, searching to fulfill my spirituality that I craved, fix my home, find a way to make wonderful memories for my kids, give them a lifestyle I wanted to and do it organized. I had to read to learn how to do this. I also learned things from large family board on babycenter. I became "green" recently, cloth diapering and all....making my own detergents/cleaners/etc. I taught myself to knit late in 2006 and do that quit often as well as other handicrafts like sewing. I bought a book of traditions and we are begining those traditions this year for new years. We will really get back to the basics of celebration and life and we have a great curriculum we use and actually STICK to now. We do the Weaver. Its the most awsome daily dose of Bible. We have so much fun doing all our studies surrounding Gods words and promises. My life has meaning....their lives have meaning. My children have faith in monstrous amounts and I only hope to aquire half of it. Its slowly becoming less of a struggle for me though as I am coming to a close of reading the Book Of Mormon and begining Docrtines and Covanents and continuing through KJV reg bible each day with my children. This Gospel is so fulfilling with answers to every question that no one has ever had for me.
I cant beleive how much I enjoy being a domesticated housewife.I love knitting, cooking/baking all our meals from scratch even when I am exhausted, The accomplishment at the end of the day when I sit down for a lil tv and all my children are tucked in bed, safe......warm....clean.......and content, I know I am doing the right now and I have figured out what I have been searching for all along. I feel of the utmost value in my home as the head of childrearing, teaching and example of the Gospel to my children.......finally I have found my nitch. This is where I belong. I belong in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (hoping for a 2008 baptizm) and I want to raise my children in the faith and bring up moral and righteous children by teaching and by example. I have much still to learn and many clothes to throw away*haha time for some modesty in this womans wardrobe* but I know I can do it and its what is right for us. FINALLY!

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